For the more literal-minded among us: any article categorized as Humor should not be taken at face value.
Running and working in a factory is a stressful and sometimes exciting endeavor, but we all know that every process has hiccups. Having been an operator/part-time maintenance man and controls engineer with supervisory duties over electricians, I have learned many things related to good manufacturing processes. The following is a well-thought out, scientifically proven method of fixing problems within any factory. In fact, you may be using some of these methods without even realizing it.
As an Operator
As an operator, you will be on the front line when machines go down or stop behaving correctly. By following these simple steps, you can fix any issue encountered:
- Panic
- The energy created by panic is far more useful than acting with a cool head. the machine is down and you are paid to get it up and running, not think!
- Start pushing buttons and turning knobs
- Remember those buttons that you have no idea what they do and have never used them while operating this machine for the past two years? Now is the time to press them.
- Start changing settings that you have access to on the HMI’s.
- If you know or guess the password to get into protected screens for engineers and maintenance, use it. Start changing the settings in those protected screens, maintenance will appreciate the effort you put into restoring the machine.
- Yell at the machine
- Tell that inanimate object who the boss really is!
- Start kicking and banging on the machine with tools
- Aim for delicate parts that are easily dented or moved.
- Show that inanimate object who the boss really is!
- When the above fails, call for maintenance and/or controls.
As Maintenance Personnel
As a maintenance man, part of your job is to help get the machine running. Basic troubleshooting of mechanical and electrical issues is expected. By following these steps, you can properly solve any issue in a factory:
- Panic
- Just like with the operator, you need the energy in your body, not your brain.
- Repeat the steps taken by the operator
- Start adjusting sensors
- Just to be safe, adjust all sensors on the machine!
- Power down the machine and start re-wiring
- Never take pictures of the original wiring, you cannot waste those precious few seconds needed to get the machine up and running!
- Rewire to the original drawing, ignore any newer revisions or redlines, those clearly do not matter.
- When the above fails, call in the controls engineer
As A Controls Engineer
As the controls engineer (sometimes combined with the maintenance role above) you are responsible for maintaining the code and settings for the machine. With the following steps, you will get the machine back up and running in no time:
- Panic
- Everyone knows that the most robust and error-proof code is created when your mind is under intense distress.
- Follow all the steps that the operator and maintenance staff took.
- Don’t waste time taking backups of the code that currently exists, you need to get in there and make changes now!
- When in the code, bypass everything.
- Clearly all code was made to be bypassed, otherwise the software would not let us do it.
- Do not leave comments explaining changes, all engineers and programmers think alike, so they will intuitively understand your thought process.
- When the above fails, look over your shoulder and talk to management about contracting outside services to fix the issue.
- Optionally hand in resignation letter or receive termination notice from manager.
As a Supervisor/Manager
The supervisor’s and management role are to ensure that production continues without interruption. To best solve factory issues, do the following steps:
- Panic
- The best decisions are made in a snap; you cannot afford to take a few minutes to think things through.
- Stand uncomfortably close to whoever is working on the machine
- This closeness reminds the maintenance man or controls engineer the importance of getting the machine up and running.
- Be sure to speak to whoever is working on the line in a demeaning way. This will encourage them to work harder and prove that they are not as dumb as you insinuate.
- Make sure to consistently bug them, this helps them work faster, plus ensures that they have not forgotten the importance of getting the machine running again.
- Start yelling
- If the machine has been down a significant amount of time, yelling at your employees will speed up their work. Clearly, they are spending too much time thinking and not enough time acting to get the machine up and running.
- Begin creating a blame list
- All the best managers keep track of who is to blame. This activity inspires workers below the managers to not break machines, while simultaneously increasing the promotability of the manager.
- After blaming enough people, even a low or mid-level manager can eventually fail their way to the top. This is the most functional and best way to structure factories, or any company for that matter.
- Cut budgets after the fix is completed
- The machine went down because maintenance, engineering and operations were unable to wisely use the budgets they have, therefore they should not be rewarded with a higher budget.
- Maintenance, operations and engineering were eventually able to bring the line up, which also proves they can work within their current budget, so a smaller budget will make them even more efficient.
Bringing It All Together
You may have noticed that each person has a step that includes panic. It should be noted that the level of panic is a multiple based on level of elevation. The operator should panic at the base level, maintenance should be twice as panicked, controls thrice-wise, and managers need to be panicked four times over. Such a healthy proportional balance of panic creates a workplace bound to succeed; just think of all the energy brought forth by all that panicking, results are bound to occur! All of this panic travels in both directions and is self feeding. By the time the manager gets involved with 4x stress, he adds his stress onto the controls engineer, so that the controls engineer now feels (3x + 4x) the amount of stress. This cascades downwards to the operator, and then cascades back up to the manager, indefinitely until the machine is running again. The self feeding stress loop helps move things along and shouldn’t be viewed as a health issue. You need to either get the machine up and running, suffer a nervous breakdown, have an aneurism, or quit. As long as the company makes money in the long run, any of those outcomes is acceptable.
I hope you have found this guide to be helpful and informative. A proper understanding of the basics ensures that you respond correctly to the situation. Although this guide is generic for any factory situation, it can also be applied to non-factory situation as well!
Stay tuned for more articles on concerning factory processes. Or perhaps you would like to read one of my non-existent books:
- Should I Do That? How To Bypass Safety Mechanisms To Increase Production!
- I Shouldn’t Have Done That! The exciting follow-up to Should I Do That?
- Safety Is Subjective! How To Justify Putting Lives In Danger
- Your Life Is Important! But Our Corporate Accountant Says Otherwise – The Fine Art Of Telling People That Their Lives Are Not Very Valuable
- Let Others Figure It Out! The Art Of Overselling Something You Will Never Directly Work On
- It’s Electrical, Stupid! How To Successfully Blame Mechanical Issues On The Electricians!
- It’s Mechanical, Stupid! How To Successfully Blame Electrical Issues On The Mechanics!
- It’s Controls, Stupid! How To Successfully Blame Programmers For Electrical Or Mechanical Issues!
- Oops, I Missed That! How To Successfully Blame Programming Errors On Electricians Or Mechanics!
- Blame Your Way To Success! How Projects Succeed By Constant Passing Of The Buck!
- No Milestones Please! Your Project Can’t Fail If You Don’t Track It!
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